Age and Change

Another birthday has come and gone.  Each year on my birthday I like to reflect on the year that has passed and think about what I want for my life in the coming year.

As I get older, and each year feels shorter in relation to the years I have lived, I feel a greater need to make sure that I am living the life I want.   This year I made a difficult choice that made me incredibly sad but, when I thought about how not making that choice was affecting me, I knew it was necessary.  I also started the long, slow process of clearing out clutter and organizing my life.  I crave peace and order in all areas of my life.

I had a huge yard sale and got rid of years of accumulated stuff.  I have to admit that I have regretted selling a few things but the alternative would be to hang onto everything just in case I thought I might need it someday.  I created a budget and put all of my financial paperwork in order so I know exactly how unlikely it is that I will be able to retire when I had hoped I could.  I completely reorganized my studio and reminded myself that if I would just use all my accumulated stuff to produce and sell all the art I could make with all that wonderful stuff, instead of buying more wonderful stuff, I really could retire when I hoped.

I have also discovered something about myself recently.  I need colour!  I'm ready for my 70's earth tones to take a hiatus.  So as a birthday gift to myself, I bought some bright new cushions on sale and pulled in a few other lively pieces from here and there in the house for a fresh look in my living room.

My refreshed living room

This year I plan to finish the work on my house, create art most days using what I already have, and to do my best to stay healthy.

Hope is not a Goal

I love making plans and setting goals for myself.  It makes me feel like I'm in control.  The reality is, I change plans and goals as often as I make them but I'm in control of that, too.  I like control.  I'm not particularly good at just letting things happen, although things will happen whether I let them or not.  I can't control everything.

I've been having a difficult time lately coming to grips with some things in my life that are not within my control.  I can change things about myself but I can't change anyone else and I find myself putting too much faith in hope.  Of course one of the problems with hope, is that you have no actual control over what it is you are hoping for.

Occasionally I buy lottery tickets because I hope I will win the jackpot and be instantly wealthy but I have absolutely no control over the outcome.  I can, however, control how much money I will plan to set aside toward my goals.

Another problem with hope is that you can actually start to believe that what you are hoping for is a goal that you have the power to achieve.  How many people buy lottery tickets but don't save any money because in their heart of hearts, they really do believe that someday they will win the big one?  Hope can be deceptive and it can keep you from doing the things that you can control.

I'm not saying that hope doesn't have merit.  Sometimes hope is the spark that lights the fire under your butt to get you out of bed in the morning.  I'm learning the importance, though, of keeping hope in perspective.  If I continue to make my goals and my plans and create the life I want regardless of anything else that may or may not happen, I may even find, someday, that what I have is better than anything I might have hoped for.